Recording
by druss deathwalker
Summary: Ward speaks some uncomfortable truths. They are spoken in secret. They are recorded for all
1. Chapter 1

Grant watched as the rest of team laughed and joked. He was sitting in the shadows holding a book. Fitz walked by.

Fitz, another regret in a life full of regrets.

It had been 6 months since Coulson had brought him back to the team. Something about second chances. It seemed that Coulson and Fitz were the only ones that believed in Grant. Then again Coulson had taken the same crazy juice as Garrett and Fitz was… different.

Laughter came from Skye, as she sat on Lance's lap. He used to think that Skye acted like this to get a rise out of him. That changed last month when he was walking and saw Skye leaving Lances room. Lance was with her and gave him a cocky grin. The look Skye gave him was full of derision. Ward walked by as if he had not seen anything. He sat in his room after the encounter and finally accepted the hard truth. It did not hurt him as much as he thought it should. Perhaps because he had accepted it a long time ago. It was as if a switch had been flicked and from that moment he started treating Skye like every other person in the team. Except for Fitz of course.

How Fitz had forgiven him was a mystery. He had always known he was not a good man. What Fitz had done with his forgiveness had shown him how far from good he truly was.

He knew the change in his attitude upset Skye. He had gone from cold and needy, to simply cold. Instead of staying in Skyes shadow, away but able to see her. Ward now actively avoided her. And when he spoke he was abrupt. Always professional but there was a coldness which he reserved for others and now also for Skye.

He sighed deeply. Maybe that was progress.

He knew somebody was staring at him. After looking at the reflection on a window unobtrusively he saw it was Skye. If he didn't know any better he would swear she had been stalking him. Which of course was insane. But it seemed now wherever he was Skye was there. A thought entered his mind which he squashed ruthlessly. Why would a woman tell a man they hated him, why would a woman be in a relationship with someone else, if they like... don't even go there Ward, he mentally chided himself.

Ward looked at the book he was holding and changed the page. Trying to get the feeling of Skye's penetrating eyes of his back. Which thanks to having every single action of his monitored for an year wasn't that hard. The book was the Count Of Monte Cristo. He knew Lance had put it on his table to upset him. But he accepted it like all the insults hurled his way.

It sometimes felt that Lance was jealous of Grant. Which was even more insane than Skye having feelings for him. Lance was the one in a relationship with Skye, what had he got to feel jealous for.

It was times like this when he missed pretending to be someone else. Things were always easier when he was pretending to be someone else. Why people acted a certain way with the person he was portraying to be was easy to understand. Why people acted a certain way with him. Definitely not easy.

He looked at the book and one phrase stuck out. "All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Wait and Hope". Such a simple sentence. He stared at his wrist in confusion. Was that why he had tried to commit suicide. Was that the reason he had decided that once Hydra was defeated he would… because he had no hope. Was it truly that simple.

He knew others had done worse things than him and been redeemed. Hell Natasha Romanoff had burnt down a hospital, knowing full well the maternity ward would also go up in flames.

No, the difference was he knew the truth, although he would never tell anyone anyone the secret. That was the one secret he would keep. This secret was his greatest shame, and he was glad one day it would end with him. The secret of why he would never be redeemed. Why even if Skye confessed her love, he would turn his back on her. Why he …. why he could never be redeemed.

Suddenly Ward made a decision

He walked with a purpose into Coulson's office and knocked. He was not going to take no for an answer


	2. Chapter 2

He had parked the plane in the small stretch of land, hidden from all prying eyes. Part of him still amazed at what Couison had agreed to. Not only letting him go for a 3 day vacation, but also the use of a jet.

He walked through the Wyoming woods, and in his backpack was the remains of John Garret. What little was left. He had broken into Shields base and collected the remains. Without a doubt one of the most foolish risks he taken in his life. And that was saying something

When he had looked at the remains he had wanted to throw up, he had wanted to cry. And knowing that these remains were in his backpack, made him walk faster

Suddenly he was there. The place it had all began

Ward started climbing the rugged mountain, and the weather changed. Suddenly there was a thundercloud followed by hale and lightning. As if God himself was telling him to stop.

God or Garret. There was not even a choice. There had never been a choice

With bloody hands he slowly climbed the ragged rocks. For a moment he almost fell, it was only by luck that he held onto a protruding branch. As he looked at the darkness at the bottom. He realised how easy it would be to let go

A voice whispered "All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Wait and Hope' and he had no hope. But he climbed anyway. At the top of the mountain the weather relented as if to give in to his incessant need.

He then started digging with the foldable shovel he had carried and with trembling hands he grabbed Johns remains and placed them on the ground. Ward placed the dirt back on the remains. Breath heavy. From exhaustion or something else he could not tell

He spoke softly

'I never told them about you. Everything else sure. But never about you. They still think we met in the Shield Academy'

Then he sat down and opened the scotch bottle. Garrets favourite and started drinking.

'You were right about Coulson, the mans a soft touch. He still thinks i can be redeemed. But of course we both know that will never happen… and we both know why, don't we'

He was a fool speaking to a dead man. But who else could he talk to

'People who are redeemed all regret what they have done, and they would change the past if they could… I… I regret'

He drank

'I wouldn't change anything.' Ward spoke the terrifying secret he carried with him, whispering forbidden truths.

'Even if I knew the outcome. Even if i knew what my action would cost me. What they would cost others. I would still follow through'

He drank one more sip. Speaking words that he carried with him always

'I'm not a fool John, i know. I've always known you would kill me if it suited your purpose. And i know you never truly cared. Hell you left me in these woods for 5 goddamned years'

He drank. His bitter rage overcoming everything

'It was hard you know. I almost died from starvation before I became proficient in hunting. Ive forgotten the number of times I almost died from hyperthermia until I figured which trees were best to sleep on, where the caves were.

Another drink, and another. And another

'It was hard looking in the dark and imagining the predators staring back.'

Wards head was buzzing, unused to the strong alcohol

'I think the loneliness was the hardest… its funny how we come to prefer things that we once hated'

Ward sat in silence as minutes passed by and the sun almost set

'I am not a fool' Ward whispered

'You left me here, coming a few times in as many years, my only human contact. i did my research on Stockholm syndrome. On abuse. On cults. I know what you did John'

Another drink

'But it doesn't change anything. Does it'

'I will always owe you for what you did. For me. For my brother. For my sister'

Ward kept drinking the bottle until it was over

'Thats my greatest regret you know. Not that no matter how much I want to be redeemed, i will never be able to. Not that i destroyed Fitz mind, not that I took away Skye's innocence. Not even the fact that i pray for the day when HYDRA is defeated and I can end my life. My greatest regret John is that I never had the chance to repay you. You died John. And you took away my chance to pay you back. and I will always regret that.'

Ward slowly climbed down the mountain top, but before he did, he looked at the grave and whispered 'Thank you John'

Ward found a small cavern at the bottom of the mountain and slept

The next day Ward spent hunting. As he was cutting the animal for food he wondered what Skye would say. Which one he thought? The skye he first met would make some quip about him killing Bambi. The Skye of today, he had no idea.

A lifetime ago these woods had saved him. Through pain, hardship, hunger, loneliness. He had come back a stronger man. But maybe he was wrong in that thought like he was wrong in so many others. Maybe the old Grant Ward had died in these woods.

He went to the tree he placed his back on a lifetime ago, and just like then despite everything he learnt about survival Ward hugged his legs and tried to sleep. Just as it had on his first day in the woods so long ago it started raining. Full circle Grant thought

Grant stared at the puddle next to him,and spoke 'You know Ward, for someone who is claustrophobic, you should be enjoying this experience a lot more.'

And then he smiled a broken smile. What Skye had referred to his creepy smile. Well it was either smile or cry, and he didn't cry.

Yes he was claustrophobic. He had always been able to get through the emotions though, sometimes on the plane he could even forget. He could not forget in prison.

As minutes turned to hours and exhaustion overrode him he whispered to himself 'Keep your act together Ward. Soon HYDRA will be defeated. Soon you can finally be free.' Ward looked at his arms. And repeated 'Soon'

Unknown to him there had been chips placed on his clothes. Everything he had said and done from breaking into Shield and stealing John Garrets remains to his _secrets_ had been recorded. Coulson looked at the laptop, with a broken expression on his face


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Skye walked in the office. 'Hey DC, hows everything'

Coulson quickly turned off the computer. An action that had Skye raising her eyebrows

'You know I can hack that right'

'You wont do that Skye, because I am asking you not to'

'Ooh now thats just playing dirty. Anyway just wanted to ask how is the scumbags retreat going. Has he betrayed us to HYDRA yet.'

'You know Skye if I didn't know you better I would think this was your way of asking how Agent Ward is'

'Agent Ward. That Natzi piece of scum was never an agent, and never will be again'

'Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you don't care about him at all. Maybe you're not saying these things because you don't want to get hurt. But if I'm not wrong Skye, if you do care about him. Tell me. I'll give you Agent Wards secret. You will finally understand the man. But only if you ready and willing to forgive him'

Skye had a gleam in her eye as if she had been dying from thirst and Coulson had handed her a glass of water

And then a change occurred. Skye shrugged her shoulders and said 'There is only thing I want to understand about Ward and that is why he doesn't have the decency to find more paper, or a button, or run faster'

'You don't mean that Skye'

'Yes I do' And Skye walked out of the door. Slamming the door

Coulson stared at the window in the office with regret. He wondered when Skye would accept the inevitable truth. And how long it would take her to stop blaming herself. Because she would. once she saw and heard the recording. She would hate Garret, she would hate Ward for still being loyal to him. Most of all though she would hate herself for not seeing what was infront of their eyes. How truly broken Grant was. He knew he hated himself at this moment.

OK, first order of business, move Wards room from that small room to. Coulson smiled. He would switch Wards room with Hunters. Frankly he had had enough of Ward being bullied by that arrogant prick. If anybody was going to hurt Ward and it was a big if. It was going to be him, or Fitz or Simmons or Skye or May. Nobody else. And if they tried. Well Coulson may not be a field agent, but he could sure as damned kick ass if needed

There would come a time when HYDRA was defeated and when that time came Ward would want to live. That was a promise

x-x-x-x-

_This is the second fanfic I am writing, any feedback will be appreciated _


	4. Chapter 4

All the team were having a meeting discussing how James Millen a Hydra loyalist had committed suicide

Coulson spoke 'This is the fourth time it has happened. We capture a Hydra soldier, but before we can get information they commit suicide. We don't know if its conditioning or part of their beliefs. We need more information'

Lance spoke 'Well maybe we should just ask'. He casually stared at Ward.

Ward was at the back of the meeting room, where the shadows covered him. And he did not speak or defend himself at Lances accusation. Ward simply stared back with cold eyes.

'How many times does he have to say that he's never been Hydra. Why cant you..' before Fitz could continue his tirade Simmons interrupted. And she held Fitz hand gently whispering 'We know Fitz. We know. All Hunter is saying is maybe Ward has information on Hydra's working. Thats all' Simmons then glared at Lance daring him to disagree. Lance simply smirked.

'Its called endgame' came the clear voice from the other side of the room. 'Its not suicide. A suicide is done when a person cant take things anymore, when a person is week. An endgame is played when.' There was a pause 'Its not suicide, its…. strategy'

'Is there something we can do' Coulson asked as he sat down.

Grant shrugged 'Its unlikely. Like i said it is a conscious act thought out and made real. But an endgame is usually played out for 100 days. Hydra and others believe that everybody breaks under torture. But a person can usually hold on for 100 days. So everyday you wake up and you… countdown, and when you reach 100. Endgame'

'Stop it' Fitz shouted standing abruptly. 'Its not a game OK.'

Everybody stared at fitz. May who had been silently observing spoke with authority 'Fitz, calm down'

'Its not a game' Fitz whispered again and walked out the room. Unconciously Wards eyes when to the scar on his arm.

As he got up to follow Fitz. Skyes voice halted him. '100 days. 100 days from the day of your capture to your first attempt.' Skye stalked to where Ward stood. Her eyes shining with something. An emotion that Ward could not recognise 'Your wrong.' Skye hissed 'You might tell yourself it was strategy, but the truth is it was weakness. You coward' She then struck Ward an open palmed slap.

All the team got up and started speaking at once. And while Coulson was giving a lecture to Skye about how Ward was no longer the enemy. Ward walked in the shadows.

A thought entered his mind. _'Soon'_

The next day everybody pretended nothing had happened. Ward almost found it amusing in his sick way. If he had done the same thing to Skye, an open handed slap. Well the repercussions would not have been everybody pretending nothing had happened. But maybe he was wrong he laughed inside. I_s this what insanity feels like?_

The good thing was he did not have to be in the main living area. Ward collected the food and disappeared to his new room. Coulson had told him yesterday evening after the incident with Skye that he was giving him Lances room. Ward knew that the only reason why there had been a room change was because Coulson wanted him to play along. Act like the slap had never happened. He couldn't fault Coulson that. What was he going to do. Get Skye to apologise. Everybody had their favourites. A thought entered his mind, unbidden. _Was he ever Garretts?_

He knew he would hate the room. The room that Lance and Skye had… But God to be in a open space. A place where he didn't feel like he was trapped in a coffin. Ward entered the room and compartmentalised the acts of the previous occupant. Well tried to, after a while he gave up and started reading.

Grant tried to leave his room as little as possible. But of course he had to leave his room sooner or later. And when he did it was with the thought to avoid Skye. Ensure things did not escalate. But when he would go out to the kitchen Skye would be there, if he went to the gym Skye would be there. If he entered the science lab to talk to Fitz Skye was there. If he was being paranoid he would think she had been monitoring him from the CCTV cameras around the base. Thankfully she never communicated with Grant. Although once she tried. She came over to Grant almost a month after the incident while he was exercising. For some reason Grant flinched. An absurd reaction for someone who had seen as much pain in his life as he had. Skye stopped turned very quickly, and walked away. He could have sworn he had seen her shaking.

_Maybe she was having problems with Lance? _

After that though Grant became a ghost to the team. A punching bag in his bedroom and a space for his callisthenics routine meant he didn't have to go out for to the gym. His stockpile of freeze dried meals and protein shakes meant he didn't have to leave for meals. And Fitz had even started coming to his room to play chess. He was the only one that came.

And as he waited he knew it was only a matter of time before the other shoe dropped. It always did.


	5. Chapter 5

9 months ago

Grant missed Garrett. In darkness, in complete solitary a person spent a lot of time thinking. Infact all they could do was think, while fighting the bouts of madness. And he came with the realisation that he truly missed Garrett.

Garrett would never had left him here to rot. it didn't matter if it was Shield that captured him or Hydra. Garrett would have found a way to rescue him. He always protected him. The only one who protected him.

Outsiders if made aware of his past would have said mind control. Stockholm syndrome. Cult follower. Of course you care for him, he freed you from prison and left you alone in the woods for 5 years being the only human you saw. Poor boy.

But they didn't understand. They would never understand the peace it felt at having someone protect him, especially after the horrors of his childhood. Sure Garrett used him for survival, but he had used Garret for the same thing. They both took care of each other. The world be damned.

And now he was gone. And the darkness, the confinement and the isolation was all that was left. The human mind no matter how strong was not built for this degree of torture. And it was torture, worse than the physical could ever be.

He was grateful that he had information for Shield, it was a bargaining chip. But he also knew that the information was not limitless. Once Shield had the information he would spend the rest of his life in this hell. So he tried to hold on to it like a mizer with his Gold. The information though was much more precious.

After the woods he had forgotten many things. He had forgotten how to communicate with others, he would sometimes Grunt like he was with Buddy. And the people, so many people. And he had forgotten small unimportant things as well. He remembered Garrett taking him to a donut shop, and he could not stop eating. Carbs were AMAZING. He had puked and puked and puked. But still he could not have stopped eating the donuts. Garrett had looked after him like he always did

He wondered what Skye was doing. Was she eating Donuts?

He missed donuts a lot. But he missed being protected even more.

In the darkness a voice whispered… 'Its not a weakness is it'

Grant replied 'Endgame. Day 1'


End file.
